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A friend called me up not so long ago. Having just arrived from Cebu
she wanted to meet up for a chat over green tea Frappuccino. Both our
favorites at Starbucks (of course). Unfortunately I had to bow out of
the invitation as there were important errands that had to be done. So….
she persistently and determinedly tied me down to the phone with
updates about her life in Cebu. Although I was delighted over her
adventures and misadventures for the past couple of years (that’s how
long we have lost touch with each other) I sensed that something seemed
off with the way she sounded.
“Okay, what’s up?” I asked
straightforwardly. We’ve been friends too long that straightforwardness
has become a comfy thing between us.
“Len, sometimes I wish I was just me… old and weary.” She replied with unsurprising honesty.
…. And that’s the point where I stop telling you about her, my friend
Irma (not her true name). Yes we had our chat, a lengthy one, and it was
a two-way learning moment for us both. That already is a treasure.
.
Let’s think about this……
“I wish I was just me… old and weary.”
That’s a ‘hugot’ line, right? We would probably guess that something or
some things happened somewhere in there which had caused this weariness
of the soul. But I will tell you this, honestly, who would not think
along those lines at some point or other in this our fragile life?
.
“I wish I was just me…”
-------------- Do you know who you are? What roles do you play in life
(I know we can be many things to many different people)? Are you
catering to other people’s expectations or just yours? Do you do things
because you love doing them? Do you hate doing them? What matters to
you? Do you or do you not care? Do you sometimes wish you were doing
something else? Or lived another life different from yours now?
There is no straight or right answer to those questions. Or so I
believe. Because you are that person in
each-and-every-question-and-answer lived by you at many different and
diverse points in your life.
You hate, you love, you adore, you
are brave, you despise, and you abhor, also can be cold and despicable
when reason presents itself. You pretend you are strong and yet
vulnerable too, you are confused, and sometimes stubborn even in being
wrong.
You are all of the above and even so much more. You are everything a human being is. Perfect and flawed.
But then at the end of the day when the dust has settled and you stand
alone tired and utterly exhausted, you drop to the ground buckling under
the overwhelming weight of it all. Then you exhale a weary wish…….… ‘I
wish I was just me.’
Oh? So you think you are somebody else
inside that body carrying your name? Because I think those things that
you do both the good and the imperfection in some is … you. And that
heart-breaking wish is simply your weary soul’s cry to stop and rest
awhile.
Pay attention. Rest. Connect with the heavens.
.
“…old and weary”
---------------- Oh but I hear that often said by friends and strangers alike. Both from the young and the old.
When young people say it, it rises from being drained of all energy,
effort, plans, strength, courage, hope, and perhaps faith, too. Trying
to make it in this crazy world of ours is tough. Pursuing dreams even
tougher. And you are not even assured of success or of making it.
Sometimes it may seem so near and yet still so far. So each day you
struggle with frustration, disappointment, irritation, failed
expectations, and bits and pieces of your broken dreams. Every night you
plop down on your bed worn out to the bone. So weary… so feeling old.
When old people utter those words, it expresses a mix of everything
past present and even the future. It hovers over why-did-it-happen or
what-could-have-been. Regrets creep in and weigh down both the mind and
the heart.
It doesn’t help if within the home they become just a
piece of the furniture. No longer enjoying the vibrant connection
enjoyed with the family in those younger days. Although not entirely the
family’s fault. The new restrictions on the mind and body put on
limitations to choices, his or theirs. This reality creates a painful
void for loneliness and longing. The soul becomes weary and feeling so
very old.
.
It’s the soul that feels and bears the brunt
of our physical effort and lives. It is strong, no doubt about that. But
sometimes you just have to let it breathe… recharge itself… give it
space to become new again. Just as the body needs to rest – the soul
needs to remember its connection with the Divine. It needs to reconnect
every so often. When the soul speaks.... Listen!
You do this with prayer.
God bless you.
